“Please pray for me, ok, it’s not a problem, please don’t worry. I’m actually going through a change which I think it’s necessary. Something like to be a better man lah. So please pray that God will lead me and show me his way” – niCk (during a prayer meeting back in July)
I must CHANGE! I told myself then. How could I be so terrible? Hope it’s not late. Well, I think nothing is too late.
Ok, first things first, this was a personal issue of my life, I only shared this with those that I’m accountable with, those that I’m very very very close with. Now I’m posting it in my blog so that everyone knows what was going on in my life for the past few months.
09/07/2007 (my journal)
Have been struggling a lot about my life lately. Realized how terrible a person I can be. Sort of a wake up call to stop many thing that I do, from eating habits to social life.
It’s time for a change. Change for a better niCk. And remain to be the better niCk for good.
I still remember some thoughts hit me during that period of time that it made me thought about changing. That time, I remembered what Hock Man told me before which stuck in my head since then. He was saying that once we reach a certain age, our personality and character are pretty much set. What we are will be what people gonna see us. So “do it wanna be like how I am in the future?”
So that hit me, and I thought, gosh, I don’t want to see myself being myself in the future. I don’t want to be forever nine years old (I was 19 then) jumping around, talking nonsense, playing around like small kids.
Hello, I thought, I’m a going to be a doctor, it’s a professional thingie, how can I act the way I acted? A lot of ‘I should’ came out. Change change change!
The best thing is to start with seeking God’s help.
But seek first his kingdom and his righteousness, and all these things will be given to you as well. – Matthew 6:33
I fell on my knees, and prayed to God. I still remember that day Lai Yin was in my room unconscious (nothing much ok?! It was her bed time and she was in my room), yin yee and jun han was studying outside. I just kneel down and spend time praying, worshipping and seek God. It was just awesome!!! Nobody knew, Lai Yin didn’t wake up, nobody knocked on my door. I prayed, I confessed my wrongs, and committed my plan to CHANGE to God and asked God to show me a way.
It was from that day onwards that I CHANGED drastically. I started to use my brain more, to evaluate my action, my speech and my thoughts. In fact, I found, among my friends, people whom I look up to, whom I should learn from. And of course those that I don’t want to be. No offence but as I said, I need to CHANGE. I even picked up some small habits like pray when I wake up in the morning.
Like I said, I only shared that with some of my friends. On 05/08/2007 I saw Maureen online, it was somewhat a divine meeting with her because she was free to talk to me. So I shared about what I was going through. She agreed with me for having that thought and she supported me by giving me some advice bout it. Besides, she encouraged me to press on, be strong in serving to Lord in church and in the area of BGR (boy-girl relationship).
05/08/2007 (my journal)
Today is day which is worth jotting down. Consider a stepping stone for my CHANGE.
After dinner in snack shack, I went online and I saw Maureen was on too. So I asked her if she wanted to layan me.
Found out that she’s leaving for Cambodia tomorrow, means not working, so she chatted with me. Many issues came out, BGR, spiritual life, serving in church.
After that, I felt pretty much relieved, partly knowing that … (BGR) …
After we offline, I did my quiet time straight and God touched me. God spoke to me and I was just in tears.
Thanks Maureen!
Move on...
I moved on. I tried to come out with a blueprint of my CHANGE. Big project huh?!
It was on my birthday that I ‘launched’ my project. Since I was turning 20, it was high time for me to CHANGE.
Character: to be honorable is better to be honored. I should keep reminding myself that I must be honorable instead of seeking attention of other people. People may not honor me but as long as I’m doing something which people cannot see, God sees it. That’s about integrity. The things that I say, is it edifying or nonsense? The things that I do, is it what God wants me to do or out of my selfishness?
Health: stop junking. I actually stop eating Lay’s and chocolate since July.
Attitude: my attitude towards the things that I do, serving God, studies and towards other people has to be set right. The way that I see things should be the way God sees them. Especially towards people, I must constantly be reminded that they are also God’s creation, so do not judge but help them if they are in need.
Nerdiness: second year medical school made me a nerd. But I think it’s worth it. It’s my calling, it’s from God. I have to study hard. Of course, please, I’m not being a total nerd here. Just wanna do my role as a student.
Godliness: this is really important. It is when I’m in tune with God that I could manage to stay strong in serving God as well as my studies. So I have to stay close with God.
Expenses: stop spending unnecessarily.
CHANGE
so do pray along with me and help me with this CHANGE. And I’m serious about it. I don’t want to see myself being my old self.
Can’t stay forever 19. I’m 20 now!
I shall be a God driven medical student for now!
