God never fail to amaze and amuse me. Or maybe I’m the one making fool of myself for taking everything in my hands and never seek Him first in everything that I do.
And He speaks in weird hours too. This time was when me doing my laundry.
I still remember I asked God the same questions over and over again for the past few months. Ever since I’m back from India, to be exact.
“WHY?!”;
“What is it that you wanna show me?!”
“If you’re there, stop it!!!”
“What is this that I’m feeling?!”
and all I got was silence
Many things happened. And I just cannot describe the feelings in me towards my friends and whatever that took place between us. And of course, I’m confused and maybe reacted inappropriately. Or maybe I’m going towards getting a psychiatric illness that I’m just lost. Don’t know. But I know I cannot give up on God.
The thing about human being is, we think that we are smarter than God. And God always proves that wrong.
This go back to long long time ago when niCk was still an ah beng who heard about committing to God in the area of relationship. I made a decision. I was to dedicate my teenage to serve and seek God before I get involve in a relationship with a girl at the age of 21. That was my commitment to God. It was all “amen!” “I’m gonna keep the promise” all passionate!
And I kept it! I told people bout it and made sure that I keep it. And I should say, it was a fruitful effort. Ok, I’m not saying this to condemn those who are in a relationship cannot serve God or not godly as such. I was just letting God to prepare me especially in the area of BGR. Somehow I knew that it’s more that just a guy and a girl. It darn complicated.
Yes it DARN complicated!
I fell in love with a girl in the process. It’s more of a love-at-first-sight thingie. But I knew that I cannot doing anything until I’m ‘free’ and ready. It wasn’t easy. It was even harder when I get to know that the girl was leaving to another country. That’s when I get my first lesson.
And that’s the year I turn 21. (talking about God’s timing, it’s like, “uwah, so ngam one?!”)
First and most importantly! It’s God’s plan that matters.
When I realized my feeling to the girl, I literally mind-mapped a plan from how to go after her till building our own family. I wonder why I could think that far… and puff. Everything was gone when things just don’t seem to go according to my plan. At that time, I tried to fit my plans into my prayers, praying that things will work out the way I wanted. But that simply doesn’t work if that’s not what God wants. And you ask me how do I know if it’s God?! Try talking to Him and you’ll know.
Now I know why, why I could have such strong feelings for a girl and simply let it go. Just because He wants me to surrender to His ultimate plan, have faith in Him and sacrifice.
(oh!!!)
Next was the effect of BGR on friendship.
OMG!!! Tell me about it man!!! @#$@%$
Ok ok cool down.
One sentence: “BGR can spoil any friendship badly.”
God actually let me go through the worst case scenario in terms of friendship in the midst of BGR. It’s very true that in most of BGR, friends are no longer important to the person because they thinks that they found a world of their own with the person they like, so there’s no need to care about friends that use to support them, laugh with them, correct them and, yes, CARE for them.
Still remember one of the hurtful situations I went through was my best friend telling me that I was too demanding as a friend, putting too high expectations and indirectly telling me off so that I do not disturb him impressing the girl that he likes.
Friends can amaze you with things that they do.
Well, of course, those are last time.
One day Yew Kong talked to me about people who don’t care about their friends once they are in a BGR.
and he asked me “will you become like that when you get a girlfriend?!”
“what do you think?”
“I think you won’t lo…”
Yes I won’t! because I know friends are important. If you can’t be good to your friends, how can you be good to your partner?
You may say “well that’s the person I like what?”
Isn’t that putting on a mask then? A mask that you put to impress him/her and to win his/her heart at the expense of friendship. That’s when all your friends are invisible to you because friends are just not so important at the stage. How fake.
Now I know how it feels and I don’t think I can do that to my friends.
Going through the ups and downs, I understand how depression feels like, how jealousy can blind people’s eyes, how anger can burn the things around me, how is it to feel lonely and being left out, how is it to soak my pillow with tears (oh man! Damn sissy… (true man cries!!!)).
And how stupid I am if I were to have a girlfriend.
Thank God that I didn’t have to go get involved in a BGR to go through all these or else I think I won’t be able to handle it well.
Now, when I ‘m ready to get into a BGR, He even gave me a guidebook. An awesome book written about BGR in Christianity.
The question is, who is the one? Who shall I go through that book together with?
One thing that I always regret.
or we should say, it’s God’s timing.
When I was not ready back in Manipal, I missed an opportunity
and I’ve even looked too far not knowing that somewhere near there’s someone.
But now when I’m ready, nobody is available…
God, help me.
